Dark Days

For the past couple of weeks I have tried my best to be upbeat. The last week of October we discovered that an embryo had implanted and I was pregnant, but subsequent blood tests revealed that it had stopped growing. Within a matter of days I was jubilant and then devastated. I also had a birthday that week. Turning 41 in the midst of teary-eyed disappointment is not one of my best memories. That day I vowed not to cry and I didn't -- it took a lot of willpower, but not one tear dropped down my face.

That weekend DH and I took off to the countryside and had a lovely weekend. I dragged him into a few antique shops and we took our time and had fun. There were topics I wanted to discuss and didn't actually have the talk with him until we were home on Sunday. Basically, I wanted to know if DH is up for one final FET. His reply was, "You know how I feel about this." He doesn't want to do anymore embryo transfers, but I want to try one last time. Tears ensued and he relented. Basically, he told me that it kills him to see me devastated each time, but if I really want to try one last time he'll be supportive. I just want to know ahead of time that this is the final attempt.

I had lots of questions prepared for our doctor's appointment last week. What I didn't expect was the doctor's concern about why I've had four losses. The first two pregnancy losses were 'blamed' on my poor egg quality, but since we're using donor eggs he thinks there might me something else causing the embryos not to develop. He theorizes that it could be DH's chromosomes or something to do with me and a clotting factor, or thyroid, or lupus factor. When he was telling us this I kept thinking: why hasn't any doctor thought of doing these tests before? Hmmm...guess it's just easier to blame it on the woman's poor egg quality because she's in her late thirties. Then I thought: so it takes four pregnancy losses before doctors think there's a problem...four losses...four devastating losses.

DH and I have decided to try one last FET before calling it quits to the whole ART thing. I should be optimistic, right? But, instead I'm filled with a dark foreboding feeling that maybe it is DH's chromosomes and therefore there's not much we can do about it. I feel guilty that my desire to be pregnant and give birth has cost us dearly financially -- especially our retirement fund. Of course, if we had put the money in the stock market would we be better off now, or would we be in the same financial situation? These are dark days. I can't wait for November to end. Maybe I'll start playing Christmas music.