Thursday, February 25, 2010


Yesterday was two weeks since the miscarriage, and today I decided to try and get back into some sort of routine. Started going for a short walk in the morning -- even though it is tiring it does brighten my day and I've got to regain my stamina. I got off the sofa and did two loads of laundry. Being busy does help to get my mind away from sad thoughts.

Honestly, I am not as sad as I thought I would be. Instead I am feeling empty and a sense that something is missing. I have cried, and had a few teary nights right before bed. Nights are the worst for me and it's been like that since my twenties. I've cried myself to sleep far too often and have ruined many a pillow with my tears.

DH holding me usually calms me down. He is terribly unhappy at work these days and I listen to him as he vents his frustration in the evenings, but I just can't be there for him to make him feel better because I've got to make myself better. Sometimes it's difficult being someone's rock when you're on quick sand.

These days I try to find happiness in small things and hope to fill my emptiness with them. I have a large vase full of red and orange tulips that brighten my spirits and make me smile. The winter olympics have been a godsend and I watch NBC coverage during the day and in the evening. Take each day as it comes because each day it gets better, and soon this empty feeling will be gone. This too shall pass.

Friday, February 19, 2010


Last week at this time I was physically drained and feeling like a zombie -- and, looking like a vampire due to the blood loss. Today I feel emotionally drained. The tears come at weird moments like watching the winter olympics and thinking I'll never have a little one to take to ski hills, figure skating, or hockey. Much like the overcast skies I feel blue, or maybe I have a case of the "mean reds" like 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. Retail therapy might be just the cure, but I'm afraid seeing pregnant bellies and baby strollers might induce an emotional breakdown. So, today I'm trying cleaning therapy to brighten my day.

Monday, February 15, 2010


Funny how a week ago today I was so happy -- DH and I had gone for an ultrasound prepared for the worst, but surprisingly pleased to see that everything was going well. The doctor even said it looked like a picture in a textbook. The little 'bean' was throbbing and bouncing a bit, but the doctor managed to give us a picture to take home. I didn't dare put it up on our fridge, but instead put in a folder my agenda. I haven't looked at it since and I don't know if I can look at it again.

The next day I started spotting. I had gone for a short walk and felt great; it had been the first morning in weeks where I woke up feeling good. I phoned the clinic to notify them about the spotting and promptly reclined on the sofa. An hour later I went to the bathroom and there I had this sharp pain in my lower back and then I noticed the toilet was full of bright blood. Oh, God. I phoned the clinic to tell them that I was bleeding heavily; someone phoned back to tell me that the doctor had an opening later in the day, and then I phoned DH at work. It was at this point that I noticed the blood on my had soaked through the pad and through my clothes within a half hour. Oh, God. I spent an hour sitting on the toilet with blood gushing out. I knew that this did not bode well for the pregnancy, but I was beginning to get scared for myself. At this point I had absolutely no pain, so it felt strange to be losing so much blood with no cramping. Luckily DH came home at some point and helped me fix myself up to go to the doctor's office.

We placed a dark brown towel on the car seat before departing. I didn't feel that bad, although the bumps did bother me. After signing in I dashed into the bathroom to notice that I had saturated the two pads I had put on 40 minutes before. Luckily I made it to the waiting room moments before someone came to get us. The next few hours are fuzzy for me. I had a meltdown in the room with the ultrasound when the nurse asked me to undress from the waist down as I was bleeding so much, but I did it. Sitting there with blood dripping down to the floor scraped away any ounce of dignity I had left.

The doctor gently informed us that this may not be good news as he proceeded to give me a vaginal ultrasound. From here, it gets crazy as I saw the sac first and couldn't believe it. What? How could it still be there? The doctor measured everything and said it was at the correct size and had grown in two days and there was cardiac movement. I was stunned that I could be bleeding so much and pass so many clots and it was still there. The doctor mentioned something about a torn/ruptured blood vessel on the placenta. He had another appointment but asked that I rest there to see if the bleeding would slow down.

At that point, I had calmed down thinking that it was still inside of me, although the doctor did call it a threatened miscarriage. A million thoughts went through my head...if I was going to be on strict bedrest then how would I deal with all this bleeding? What was foremost in my head was: when will this bleeding end. While I lay on the table holding DH's hand the blood kept coming out of me in gushes. I asked the doctor about my bleeding concern when he came back to check on me and he replied that it must heal and that some women experience heavy bleeding in pregnancy. Oh, God. But, when I got off the table to clean myself up and get dressed I suddenly felt I was going to faint. I fell onto the table and asked DH to get someone. This is when it really gets fuzzy for me.

I remember feeling really warm and cold at the same time, which explains the clamminess. The doctor asked if I had fainted and he had a worried look on his face and said that the pregnancy had probably passed. He then did another ultrasound and I could tell before he said anything that there was no longer anything there. I can't really remember the details of what he said -- it was like everything was happening far away from me but I was right there. Then, I had another weak turn and thought I was beginning to pass out on the table -- I felt weak, hot, everything was going gray, I began seeing stars and I could only hear DH calling my name over and over. The doctor took my pulse and blood pressure and said something about the placenta blocking the cervix with blood pooling behind it and thus creating pressure on my cervix. Then I remember him taking out a speculum, warming it with hot water, placing it inside of me and then he 'wiped' my cervix and pulled the clots that were blocking it. All I can remember is that I immediately felt better after he did this. And then the cramping commenced. It took me about an hour to feel well enough to leave. DH brought the car close to the entrance and helped me out.

Thankfully the bleeding subsided later that night and became more like a regular period, although the cramps felt like someone stabbing me with a knife through to my back. A heating pad and a couple of ibuprofen helped with that.

Six days later and I finally feel like myself again, although I'm just beginning to deal with the emotional loss. It happened so suddenly that I could barely cope with what was happening to me physically let alone emotionally. I just knew that I wanted to write it down so I would never forget what happened.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Mama Mia, a Fight

Late yesterday afternoon, while DH was busy doing laundry and making lasagne, I willingly tried to help him on the food front. Of course, he hates it when I try to cook with him as I invariably make comments about how I would do it. Adding more nutmeg to the ricotta cheese than the recipe called for really ticked him off. In my defense, he had added more ricotta than what was in the recipe -- I use a recipe as a guideline, not the rule. Heated words were exchanged and I stormed off to our bedroom only to discover a bed strewn with laundry fresh from the dryer. Mama Mia!!

In retrospect I realize he was only trying to help, but between my freaking out about wrinkled laundry (I hate to iron) and his freaking out about multi-tasking (maybe it's a guy thing) we ended up fighting. Unfortunately, since my parents never fought in front of me while I was growing up, I never learned to fight 'well' and either walk away or begin to cry. And so, I began to cry. Then it felt like my blood was boiling and that made me more upset. It was totally irrational and I couldn't explain why I was upset, but then I couldn't stop.

After I finally did stop crying I was scared to death that I had harmed the pregnancy. I am so emotional lately, but is it possible that my emotional outburst and spike in bp could end my pregnancy? Just feeling really guilty today. I have no pregnancy symptoms except sore breasts and an aversion to red meat. Must remember to stay calm until at least the ultrasound next week.