Thursday, July 15, 2010

Homeward Bound

At this moment I should be packing my suitcase, but I can't stay in one spot for more than two minutes, meanwhile our bed is piled with clothes that I need to edit. We are flying home to Canada tomorrow for a visit. DH has a meeting next week at the Canadian office and I thought I'd go along to visit my family.

We will also be looking at houses this weekend with realtors (one downtown and one in the suburbs). I told DH last weekend that my heart wants to move back to Canada so we can seriously look into adoption. He has yet to receive a written offer from the other company, so he really doesn't know how to approach them about declining since the person who offered it to him is in another continent for a month.

This interest in adoption is influencing our choice of homes. Three weeks ago we were looking for a cool townhouse in a funky neighborhood close to downtown, but now I'm throwing a wrench into it by insisting on a backyard. I need a garden. Unfortunately there aren't many homes close to downtown with backyards (that are within our budget) on the market right now, and so we've had to cast the net out to the suburbs.

Today I am excited about the future and the possibility of adoption. I realize that my age (a youthful 41) may be a drawback, but it's now or never time. Now I must decide which clothes to pack. Wish me luck!

Friday, July 9, 2010


A week ago I was trying to pack my bag for our weekend away in the big city, when DH came home with the news that he received a phone call from the company he interviewed with two months ago and they gave him a job offer...and they wanted him to make a decision in two days. My stomach sank as I tried to keep it together and pack. I really wasn't expecting this news.

While DH was driving the car my teary eyes were hidden by my dark shades because I really didn't want him to know how disappointed I was that we weren't going to be moving closer to home. I had talked myself into moving back and maybe looking into adoption, but the job offer is in the US so that wouldn't be a possibility.

After we checked into the hotel we went out for sushi and I had a big glass of sake. DH was trying to talk me into moving back to Texas (where the job is located and where we had lived several years ago). I was just having a difficult time processing everything that had happened the last week, and so I needed some retail therapy, and then a chocolate martini when we went back to the hotel. We drew up a pros and cons list and the new job won. The only drawback was the salary/job title, but we decided not to make a decision at that moment.

The Saturday involved oodles of retail therapy that included, among other things, a funky pair of cork platform sandals with magenta straps (that perfectly matches the magenta Coach bag I bought earlier this year). Had a difficult moment in Banana Republic when a woman walked in with a giant stroller that contained twin babies. My reaction was to move away from her as quickly as possible, but it felt like she was following me because she was there everytime I turned around.

Conversation at lunch and dinner revolved around the dilemna of whether DH should take the job offer, or stay in his current position and approach his boss about a possible move to the Canadian office. As much as I love my husband he was really stressing me out because he couldn't make up his mind, and so I had two martinis over dinner (and another one when we got back to the hotel). Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but after DH and I ordered dinner we noticed the waiters adding two high-chairs to a long table next to us. I piped up and told our waiter that we wanted to move to another table because we wanted a quiet, romantic table, and they complied. Honestly, at that point if a couple of babies were seated next to us I would have had a meltdown.

Through the alcohol haze and retail therapy of the weekend, DH decided to verbally accept the position in Texas if the salaray was increased slightly. When he phoned on Monday and told the prospective boss this, DH was surprised that he did bump the salary. But, he later realized that he forgot to tell him about the visa situation (there are actually 2 years left on it), so he sent him a quick email explaining that he couldn't start working until the visa is transferred. Meanwhile, on Tuesday he spoke with his current boss about the possibility of transferring to the Canadian office and he had no problem with it, so that evening DH comes home and tells me he doesn't know what to do.

The past few days have been nerve wracking for me. DH keeps changing his mind, and he keeps asking me what he should do, and I don't want to tell him what to do because I know I will get blamed in the future if he is unhappy. He is also waiting for a written job offer, which still has not appeared (maybe they've stalled regarding the visa situation). Plus, I am still grieving that I will never give birth as this fact slowly sinks into my consciousness. I still have strange moments where my eyes fill with tears when I see babies on television, or when I read about another pregnant celebrity, or when I hear about some meth-head woman trying to sell her baby for $25 in a parking lot.

Acupuncture was a godsend on Wednesday because it calmed me down and I was able to listen to my inner voice. It made me realize that in my heart I would like to move home and be closer to family (especially as my niece and nephew are entering their teen years), but I don't want to rush into it and buy the first house we see. The realtor has been sending us email alerts of homes on the market and I haven't seen anything I really love. The worst part is clicking on the photos and seeing baby rooms with cribs. Unfortunately, that makes me not like the house. I know it's silly, but when I see a crib it makes me think of the miscarriage and how far along I'd be at this moment -- probably buying a crib and preparing a nursery. At least in my heart I know what I want, but as for DH who knows...

Thursday, July 1, 2010


This past week has been a rocky road for me as everday brings a new emotional rollercoaster. One hour I'm happy with life and the next I'm crying. I'm blaming hormones as I quit them a week ago and started bleeding three days ago.

Last hour I had a meltdown when I received a call from an RN at our health insurance provider offering a pre-natal service over the phone for if/when I get pregnant. I thanked her and told her we are no longer doing fertility treatments, but I would use the service if I suddenly were to find myself pregnant. She then mentioned that we could try adopting because she had heard stories of women who had adopted and then found themselves pregnant. (ARGHHHHHHHH!!!) Well, I told her that DH and I are in adoption limbo: we are Canadians living in the US (as DH tries to climb the corporate ladder); because we aren't American citizens we cannot adopt in the US or use an American adoption agency for a foreign adoption; but, on the other hand we cannot adopt in Canada, or use a Canadian adoption agency for a foreign adoption, because we don't currently reside in Canada (this is only available to Canadians overseas in the military or diplomatic service, NOT to those in the business world). At this point my voice started cracking and then it went downhill when I told her about my miscarriage a few months ago. Yes, I cried on the phone to a complete stranger. Oh, boy...still can't believe I did that. In the end I did manage to pull myself together and ask about getting my acupuncture covered as it is not covered if it is for fertility, but she did tell me to try and get them to start a new chart for me under 'general well being'. Hmmm, so acupuncture for something specific like fertility is not covered while acupuncture for 'general well being' is. Crazy.

The meltdown I just mentioned is an example of how my mental state has been this past week. DH has seemed to bounce right back. He was sad when I told him, but he's been trying to keep my mind, and his, off of things by organizing a trip away this weekend. We're off to the City and a bit of retail therapy, and since my waistline isn't quite back to normal yet thanks to all the hormones I will concentrate on shoes and bags. Plus, there's nothing like a hotel room for bringing out the amorous side. It will be wonderful to get away from the mundane details of life for a couple of days.

This past week DH has booked us a flight back to Canada to visit family later in July as he has meetings in the Canadian office at that time. No problem since I'm not pregnant. He's also contacted a realtor there about looking at houses while we're there. Whoa. This is a lot to absorb the week after my negative pregnancy test and deciding to end fertility treatments. I still can't think straight. I guess if we did move back then we could possibly look into adoption, although at 41 I'm not sure what our chances are of adopting a baby/young child. My head is still spinning and DH hasn't even asked his boss yet if he can transfer to the Canadian office. The dilemna is that DH's visa expires in 13 months so we need to know whether to start the Green Card apppication now or pack our things and transfer back.

Yes, this past week has been crazy for me. I've been trying to lose myself in cleaning therapy and movie therapy, both of which help me immensely. It's just that I'm coping with a number of things at once and trying to keep my head above water. Guess I'll just keep treading.