Friday, December 16, 2011


Busy baking sugar cookies today. I put on Christmas tunes by Perry Como and Bing Crosby to get me in the yuletide spirit and it actually did the trick. The cookies are rather crumbly as I substituted white rice flour for all-purpose flour as I am on a gluten-free kick. Maybe I won't be giving these away this year. Looking for a good gluten-free sugar cookie recipe.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Surviving Christmas Time

Saturday night was DH's work Christmas Party, which consisted of a cocktail hour and dinner at a golf club. We were both dreading it for different reasons, but made the effort to get off the sofa and dress-up for the 'free meal'.

DH will normally warn me if there will be a pregnant woman at social functions, so I was surprised when I saw a woman with a pregnant belly arrive. Luckily we were mingling at the other side of the room during cocktail hour, but later found ourselves sitting at their end of the table (it was one long table). I chose to engage in conversation with people on the other side of the table, although I could hear bits of the pregnancy talk that consisted of baby names, cravings/what to eat while pregnant, and general kid stuff. I managed to survive thanks to DH and gin. Meanwhile, I discovered that parents with teenagers enjoy drinking alcoholic beverages and prefer not talking about their kids.

Needless to mention I was a tad cranky when we finished our Christmas cards on Sunday. Then a good friend phoned and wanted me (solo) to join her for dinner the week before Christmas, but this girlfriend really seems to hate doing stuff with us as a couple. I am always surprised since she is single and DH may know of other guys that we could bring along. Anyway, I agreed to meet her for dinner that week and wondered where she wanted to go and she suggested a restaurant in my old 'hood from my single days. I vehemently said no I won't go to that neighborhood anymore because of what it has become: what was once a funky street with antique and consignment stores, and mom&pop shops is now full of trendy baby toy/clothes/furniture shops and Starbucks and the stroller-brigade. I then suggested going for sushi in a funky area near downtown. She was shocked by my bitchiness and lack of Christmas spirit and told me that I should 'get out more'. Ummmmm, my hating the Holidays is tied up with my infertility and she, like most people, does not understand this. I decided not to fight with her, but my inner voice thought 'whatever'. This lack of understanding underlines how isolating infertility can be...especially at Christmas.

This morning DH was hanging out at home a bit longer since he was going directly to the airport for a business trip. We were talking about the Christmas cards and the new address we are waiting for from an old college friend of DH. I then reflected that this friend and his wife (who were married about a year ago) might be good to hang out with since they are in their early forties without children. Surprise, surprise, DH then tells me that the friend's wife is pregnant. Oh, God. Oh, God. My stomach turned sour. The tears began falling down my cheeks upon realizing that we are the only couple without a child within our social circle. The only consolation was that DH told me that he found out the info from Suit Guy when we met up with him the other week for drinks after Christmas shopping. Suit Guy told DH the news when I left to go to the restroom. Suit Guy reasoned that "Life really is unfair if **** can have a baby and you guys can't." At least Suit Guy feels a bit of our pain. (And yes, Suit Guy is a lot like the Barney character from 'How I Met Your Mother', except the women ask him out, and it was interesting -- and strangely comforting -- how they made the Robin character infertile.)

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

It's Christmas Time Again

Yes, it's Christmas time again. The time for trimming the tree, singing carols, joy, happiness, and time for families. Maybe it's the emphasis on families, or maybe the loss of two uncles this past year, that is making me feel left out this holiday season. Christmas time is here but it has passed me by.

We have the tree up and decorated, the outside lights have been carefully 'strewn' on the shrubs, presents have been bought, and we're in the process of sending out cards. These rituals are more like chores on a to-do list this year. I do not want to do them but I feel compelled to complete them so no one will think we are lacking in holiday spirit (although we really are).

I finally saw my doctor last week about my missing menstrual cycle (last seen in April) and she ordered blood work and an ultrasound before she can refer me to a gynecologist. But of course Aunt Flow shows up three days later with a vengeance...or maybe it has been so long that I have forgotten how awful it can be. Not sure whether to go ahead and make an appointment for an ultrasound since it appears I am in perimenopause limbo instead of the big M. I mentioned all of this to my Mother who told me that for four or five years before she hit menopause she would have one cycle a year. Fun times ahead.